The Opposite of Backwards

How to call the police...

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were  people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Sarah Palin is a Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being president .

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle  was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

 The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.

In anticipation of St. Patrick's Day

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper in here either...

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Old age is a gift

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon ?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. 

And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

The Man Rules

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side...
Now here are the rules from the male side. 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. 'Yes' and 'no' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

12. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions, and neither do we.

13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

14. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

15. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely ANYTHING you wear is fine... Really.

17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

18. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

19. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.  But did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.

Ve're all Fine!

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
 
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
 
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving
down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'...

'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.. 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
 
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'


'Now, vat da hell vould YOU say?

High class insults!

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

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Exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

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A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 

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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it" - Mark Twain

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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

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"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

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"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

 
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
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"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 

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 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
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"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
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"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.  

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Things you wish you could say at work...

52 things you would love to say out loud at work
 
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
 
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce
 
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
 
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
 
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
 
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
 
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
 
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
 
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
 
10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again. 
 
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
 
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
 
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.
 
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
 
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
 
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
 
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
 
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
 
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
 
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
 
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
 
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
 
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
 
24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?
 
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
 
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
 
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
 
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
 
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
 
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
 
31. Oh I get it. Like humor, but different.........
 
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
 
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door #1?
 
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
 
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
 
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
 
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
 
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
 
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
 
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
 
41. Aren't you a black hole of need?
 
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
 
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
 
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
 
45. If you have something to say raise your hand......... then place it over your mouth.
 
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
 
47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
 
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
 
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement right away.
 
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
 
51. Don't believe everything you think.
 
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.