The Opposite of Backwards

Reasonable doubt...

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't." 

A fortune

    When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much smarter than men. : )

Santa's reindeer

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.  

Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known...
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

We Didn't Start the Fire

Whether you are a Billy Joel fan or not, you probably remember his song, 'We Didn't Start the Fire.' Here it is, set to pictures...  very cool.  

I never did know all the words, and now I understand why! Turn up the volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of history in less than 5 minutes!  Thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the University of Chicago with a lot of spare time and Google.

Top left gives you full screen.... Top right lets you pause... Bottom left shows the year of each picture/event.  
The older you are, the more pictures you will recognize.  But it's great at any age.

Sit back and relax and enjoy!

LINK:::   http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html

It's funny because it's true...

  1.  I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

  2.   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

  3.   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

  4.   There is great need for a sarcasm font.

  5.   How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  6.   Was learning cursive really necessary?

  7.   Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

  8.   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
  9.   I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10.   Bad decisions make good stories.

11.   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12.   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?   I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13.    I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.   "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15.   I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.  What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16.   I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17.   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18.   My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day, "Dad, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19.   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20.   I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Words of Wisdom

Excerpts from an article printed in the July 2009 Mensa Bulletin:

"There are only three things to remember:
1. I will be happy.
2. I will make some money.
3. I will make other people happy.
One hundred percent of the people I saw agreed with the three, but not one of them had the order right! Get them out of order and it will fail, ultimately."
-- Bernard Kitt, Ph.D., psychotherapist's solution to personal problems

"Ignore bullies.  If you can't ignore them, beat up the biggest one first."
-- Father to Amy B. Brennan

"My advice to all men is, yes, wash your hands after urinating if that useless gesture makes you feel better by conforming to a mistaken Victorian concept.  But please, to protect yourself, wash your hands before urinating."
-- Arthur Belefant on the nature of germs and why you should wash your hands throughout the day

"Help that is not wanted is usually no help at all."
-- Jason Fenwi

Myths about self-defense

Excerpts from an article printed in the July 2009 Mensa Bulletin:

Taking it to the Streets, by Nick Rotondo

Myth #1: Hit him in the jaw with your fist for a knockout punch.
Truth #1: Small hand bones are quite fragile compared to that of the mandible... A much more effective alternative is using the bony gabella - the major bone of the skull that forms the forehead.  If it hard as a rock and, if launched correctly, can do great damage.  To do it correctly, grab your opponent's shoulders with both hands and aim for his jaw. Because of the spatial illusion, this aiming point will ensure the gabella will strike your intended target, the nose, with a force sufficient to fracture the nasal septum.  This will not only cause significant pain to your opponent, but will initiate a profuse flow of blood...

Myth #7: The fist is the hardest attack bone in the body.
Truth #7: Your elbow is a formidable weapon, used far too infrequently...

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. 

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

Wal-Mart employment application

I have no idea if this is true.  But it's funny!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available .. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance pack age. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

The Sugar Bowl

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."